Perhaps you'd think much of me, or perhaps you'd think very little.
I am the wallflower.
Perhaps you'd call me strange, or perhaps you'd never care.
I am the one who hides.
Perhaps you'd find me beautiful...But what point is there in beauty?
I am the monster.
Perhaps my obsession takes a new form.
Then I'd be alone.
Perhaps you'd pity me or hate me.
Perhaps you'd love me or leave me.
Perhaps I'll never find you. Perhaps it doesn't matter.
Perhaps I have never in fact changed. Perhaps "I am who I am".
Perhaps I am alone here. Perhaps everything is superficial or what is real isn't or what isn't real is. Perhaps I know nothing and perhaps I find knowledge, to do what with?, nothing. What good is anything or nothing?
Perhaps I am no longer as unique as I thought. Perhaps I have no dreams or aspirations because I am stupid, weak, and useless. Perhaps everything is a lie and I can't tell up from down.
I don't think I'll be transformed. Because everytime I am, I never stick. I lose myself and that shouldn't terrify me but it does. Because all I have is me (whatever that means). I lost You and that sucks. I don't listen anymore because I'm too terrified of my own shadow. Why am I so ridiculously weak? Why am I so stupid? Why am I so...disappointed?
Ortberg, I seek answers in your book. Spirit...Spirit, I know you're upset with me. But I-
Stop. Stop the excuses. Stop the walls and the lies. What happened to transparency?
I lost it when my bleeding brokenness scabbed over. I lost feeling in my life and it's strange because I know why I want to do everything the world has to offer and why I want to devour color and beauty.
Because I'm empty. I'm so lost. I think that all the knowledge I can master will fulfill me. I think that if I could just live in a world of color, of beauty, if I experience everything there is to experience, I'll be happy. I'll have lived life to the fullest.
But it won't matter. I won't be remotely satisfied. That's why I've lost aspiration and dreaming. Because what's the use? What's the use in dressing up or playing with creativity? Nothing. I'm surrounded by people I'm already starting to love but I can't break free. I can't get out of this uncomfortably socially awkward box I've put myself in.
I'm so lost. I keep trying to hide from my emotions, from these feelings, because why should they matter? I think I'm trying to recover my self-importance. Back home I had positions and power and authority. Here I'm no one. The slate's wiped clean, but I have nothing to show for it. I'll just fade into the background. Because, really, how important am I? I'm not. I'm not worth recognizing or knowing. I'll be one of the one hundred girls here with the same name and no one will be able to distinguish me from any other.
I've lost myself. And I'm not sure I want to find me. I'm actually rather terrified of responsibility and obligation. I fear commitment. Actually, I think that's why I'll never find you. Because if I did, I wouldn't commit to you. I can hardly commit to my own family or my own Creator. How could I commit to a stranger? I've built you up in my mind. You aren't real. You don't exist. You'll hurt me. And I'll want to manipulate you.
I've forgotten how dark I can be. How I can twist and pull and scheme. I'll do that. Just like I've done to everyone else... I'm underhanded and selfish. I know why I'll never find you.
Because I'm ugly, inside and out. I'm grotesque and hideous. I'm a beast. I sneer with wicked eyes and gnash my fangs in thirst for blood. I will want to hurt you.
It's best we never meet.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The College Update
OK. It only took me a week to get to this so I'll be brief/detailed/organized/everywhere. Thursday we flew out at 6:30AM on Allegiant. Lo and behold, three hours later, I'm introduced to Jessica, a returning student to Evangel, who was sitting just behind me. She's rooming with Randall, a fantastic basketball player from a rival high school. We exchange numbers and part ways.
We get to the hotel my dad booked and are disappointed to learn that the owner is not so friendly. And there's bugs EVERYWHERE (ok, not really, but there were six flies and one creeper mantis thing just chillin' above my head). We move rooms and the bugs are less but still around.
Bright side, that owner is the exception to the general congeniality here. EVERYONE is nice. It's insane. Such a dramatic change of pace. For example, we went to WalMart to buy crap for my room (like a mini-fridge) and my dad asks the cashier how she's doing. She replies that she's doing great, where my dad says, "You can't be; you're working."
"But I've got Jesus in my heart," she says, "so why wouldn't I be great?"
DUDE! I'm living here permanently.
Ok that was a lie. Maybe. I dunno. I can't imagine living back home after I've been there all my life. Whatever, not the point of this post.
So Friday we move in. I have no roommate, which sucks since she's the third one I've chased out, but it's equally awesome because I have an entire room to myself. So lots of set up and "launch" (basically orientation) activities later, I spend my first night in my new home. Lovely, especially since I didn't get any sleep the night before with my parents the chainsaw snorers.
Saturday I was on my own because I had Launch activities all day, then Sunday I ate my last meal with my parents before they dipped out. I miss them like crazy, but less in a homesick way and more in a "Man they do everything for me; they deserve a break from me" kind of way. And they are always a phone call away.
OH! Friday I met my best friend here so far. (Actually, she's tied with everyone else, hahaha). I wore my DeathNote bag to my Launch group meeting, she approached me to compliment it, we talked over anime and spool knitting (a spool knitter?! YES!) and hit it off right away. She's from an insanely small school like me, k-12, with the same weird teacher stereotypes I got back home. Lindsay is a graphic arts major (legit).
I also met several girls in my part of the hall (I'm on the third floor by the way, meaning my parents and I had to lug everything up here. No, there isn't an elevator, stop asking.) One is Gennee, a nursing major, with a vibrant personality. She's so sweet and her older sis is the RA on the second floor. (Her sis Kattee is also a knitter. Dude, everyone knits/crochets here! So stoked) Their mom was a riot; she really knows how to schmooze and extract the right info. (She's the reason I knew who to talk to at the Meet with Your Faculty event.)
Speaking of, I meet everyone and their mother in the Education and Humanities Departments. Ok, not everyone, but enough people. I had to switch advisers because apparently being an English Education major means you're a Humanities kid, not an Education one.
Ooookaaaay? Whatever, not important. Except I did have to drop a class. When I'd already rented the book from chegg.com. But that's ok since I have Young Adult Literature now. And I'm psyched. Met the teacher already (who's also an advisor) and he is so cool. WE'RE READING THE GIVER! Ahem. Sorry, had to- AND HOLES! ...I'm a sucker for youth literature I guess.
But yes. I don't think I'll declare a second major or minor or anything yet. The way I see it, I'm probably going to do my Master's program here as well, so I think I'll be able to crank out any other majors/minors I want. I don't know if they have a doctorate program though. I'll have to ask.
Met my suitemate who's nice if not awkward (because I suck at social interaction, especially after we've already talked basics over Facebook, what else do I mention?). Met another floor mate (who's in the opposite side of the hall) named Elly. She's a transfer too. A Journalism major. Epiiic. OH did I mention this place has it's own TV and radio stations? No? Well they do. And I hope Elly gets involved there.
And there's Nikki, who is sooooooo adorable. I love her! She's always saying hi to me and being enthusiastic. Man, I love this place! Oh, and I didn't have shampoo the other night, so I visited a neighbor, kindly asked if I could borrow some, and Olivia gave me a travel size conditioner and shampoo. How nice! I'd've been like, "Um...what?" Again, socially retarded.
What else, what else? There was this dude Caleb who was cool. And this girl Allegra. Javi, Tobi, Chris, and Abbey. All those guys were with me at our AC dinner. They were hilarious and awesome and really on fire.
Speaking of, they were all talking about their passions and I just sat there. I had no idea what I was passion about. I've lost my fire somewhere and I'm going to get it back. Though that's going to be a trying process. Lots of genuine worship, reading, prayer, outreaching, etc. I'm falling back into that apathetic place.
Speaking of (I say that a lot, haha), The Lord's Table is doing alright. I haven't lost weight but I feel lighter in certain places. I couldn't wear a pair of glasses often because my face was too fat and the frames bothered the sides of my head. I'm wearing them right now and I feel fine. And the three rolls on my stomach are starting to morph into two. HOOSHAH! Praise You, Lord!
This part is a tad graphic/uncomfortable, so skip if you'd like. Ugh, I want to get into a workout regiment, but I'm not going to until I heal up my crazy chaffing rash. Went to the nurse today and she thinks it's a yeast infection going down my thighs. That's gross. A yeast infection is already disgusting (especially right now; it's staining all of my underwear like crazy! I'm like a leaky faucet! She said that's probably because I'm ovulating and the antibiotics I was taking for my ear infection killed off good bacteria, which is making the yeast RAMPANT). She gave me a prescription for one pill that should clear it up in a couple days. And she wants me to use my last Monistat dose on my legs (Monistat is this cream you have to use for three days as an OTC treatment for yeast infections. Two guesses on where you inject the cream.)
Ok, graphic part over. I got a ride from my Launch Leader Dodi(who is so funny and terrified to drive) to Walgreen's and got some stuff. I've been using my debit card like crazy! Mostly for books though. Ugh, books. I'm such an idiot. On my Student Portal, there's a button you can click to view your books for your classes. Me being an idiot, I didn't cross reference those with my schedule. Turns out my Essential Christianity class didn't even show on that list. So all the sudden I get the online syllabus for the class and WOOSH! I need five more books.
What?! And the bill ran me $91. Lame. Oh, and I needed 11 individual books for Young Adult Lit. Which wasn't terrible since they were all under five bucks.
Um, ok, what else? I saw my second potential roommate in the Humanities Department, but I forgot to introduce myself. Oh, and everyone from home has a doppelganger here. No lie.
Ok, well that's about it for now. Maybe I'll edit this to include more detail or more organization. But don't hold your breath. Classes start tomorrow so we'll see what happens.
Much love and God Bless,
EPD
We get to the hotel my dad booked and are disappointed to learn that the owner is not so friendly. And there's bugs EVERYWHERE (ok, not really, but there were six flies and one creeper mantis thing just chillin' above my head). We move rooms and the bugs are less but still around.
Bright side, that owner is the exception to the general congeniality here. EVERYONE is nice. It's insane. Such a dramatic change of pace. For example, we went to WalMart to buy crap for my room (like a mini-fridge) and my dad asks the cashier how she's doing. She replies that she's doing great, where my dad says, "You can't be; you're working."
"But I've got Jesus in my heart," she says, "so why wouldn't I be great?"
DUDE! I'm living here permanently.
Ok that was a lie. Maybe. I dunno. I can't imagine living back home after I've been there all my life. Whatever, not the point of this post.
So Friday we move in. I have no roommate, which sucks since she's the third one I've chased out, but it's equally awesome because I have an entire room to myself. So lots of set up and "launch" (basically orientation) activities later, I spend my first night in my new home. Lovely, especially since I didn't get any sleep the night before with my parents the chainsaw snorers.
Saturday I was on my own because I had Launch activities all day, then Sunday I ate my last meal with my parents before they dipped out. I miss them like crazy, but less in a homesick way and more in a "Man they do everything for me; they deserve a break from me" kind of way. And they are always a phone call away.
OH! Friday I met my best friend here so far. (Actually, she's tied with everyone else, hahaha). I wore my DeathNote bag to my Launch group meeting, she approached me to compliment it, we talked over anime and spool knitting (a spool knitter?! YES!) and hit it off right away. She's from an insanely small school like me, k-12, with the same weird teacher stereotypes I got back home. Lindsay is a graphic arts major (legit).
I also met several girls in my part of the hall (I'm on the third floor by the way, meaning my parents and I had to lug everything up here. No, there isn't an elevator, stop asking.) One is Gennee, a nursing major, with a vibrant personality. She's so sweet and her older sis is the RA on the second floor. (Her sis Kattee is also a knitter. Dude, everyone knits/crochets here! So stoked) Their mom was a riot; she really knows how to schmooze and extract the right info. (She's the reason I knew who to talk to at the Meet with Your Faculty event.)
Speaking of, I meet everyone and their mother in the Education and Humanities Departments. Ok, not everyone, but enough people. I had to switch advisers because apparently being an English Education major means you're a Humanities kid, not an Education one.
Ooookaaaay? Whatever, not important. Except I did have to drop a class. When I'd already rented the book from chegg.com. But that's ok since I have Young Adult Literature now. And I'm psyched. Met the teacher already (who's also an advisor) and he is so cool. WE'RE READING THE GIVER! Ahem. Sorry, had to- AND HOLES! ...I'm a sucker for youth literature I guess.
But yes. I don't think I'll declare a second major or minor or anything yet. The way I see it, I'm probably going to do my Master's program here as well, so I think I'll be able to crank out any other majors/minors I want. I don't know if they have a doctorate program though. I'll have to ask.
Met my suitemate who's nice if not awkward (because I suck at social interaction, especially after we've already talked basics over Facebook, what else do I mention?). Met another floor mate (who's in the opposite side of the hall) named Elly. She's a transfer too. A Journalism major. Epiiic. OH did I mention this place has it's own TV and radio stations? No? Well they do. And I hope Elly gets involved there.
And there's Nikki, who is sooooooo adorable. I love her! She's always saying hi to me and being enthusiastic. Man, I love this place! Oh, and I didn't have shampoo the other night, so I visited a neighbor, kindly asked if I could borrow some, and Olivia gave me a travel size conditioner and shampoo. How nice! I'd've been like, "Um...what?" Again, socially retarded.
What else, what else? There was this dude Caleb who was cool. And this girl Allegra. Javi, Tobi, Chris, and Abbey. All those guys were with me at our AC dinner. They were hilarious and awesome and really on fire.
Speaking of, they were all talking about their passions and I just sat there. I had no idea what I was passion about. I've lost my fire somewhere and I'm going to get it back. Though that's going to be a trying process. Lots of genuine worship, reading, prayer, outreaching, etc. I'm falling back into that apathetic place.
Speaking of (I say that a lot, haha), The Lord's Table is doing alright. I haven't lost weight but I feel lighter in certain places. I couldn't wear a pair of glasses often because my face was too fat and the frames bothered the sides of my head. I'm wearing them right now and I feel fine. And the three rolls on my stomach are starting to morph into two. HOOSHAH! Praise You, Lord!
This part is a tad graphic/uncomfortable, so skip if you'd like. Ugh, I want to get into a workout regiment, but I'm not going to until I heal up my crazy chaffing rash. Went to the nurse today and she thinks it's a yeast infection going down my thighs. That's gross. A yeast infection is already disgusting (especially right now; it's staining all of my underwear like crazy! I'm like a leaky faucet! She said that's probably because I'm ovulating and the antibiotics I was taking for my ear infection killed off good bacteria, which is making the yeast RAMPANT). She gave me a prescription for one pill that should clear it up in a couple days. And she wants me to use my last Monistat dose on my legs (Monistat is this cream you have to use for three days as an OTC treatment for yeast infections. Two guesses on where you inject the cream.)
Ok, graphic part over. I got a ride from my Launch Leader Dodi(who is so funny and terrified to drive) to Walgreen's and got some stuff. I've been using my debit card like crazy! Mostly for books though. Ugh, books. I'm such an idiot. On my Student Portal, there's a button you can click to view your books for your classes. Me being an idiot, I didn't cross reference those with my schedule. Turns out my Essential Christianity class didn't even show on that list. So all the sudden I get the online syllabus for the class and WOOSH! I need five more books.
What?! And the bill ran me $91. Lame. Oh, and I needed 11 individual books for Young Adult Lit. Which wasn't terrible since they were all under five bucks.
Um, ok, what else? I saw my second potential roommate in the Humanities Department, but I forgot to introduce myself. Oh, and everyone from home has a doppelganger here. No lie.
Ok, well that's about it for now. Maybe I'll edit this to include more detail or more organization. But don't hold your breath. Classes start tomorrow so we'll see what happens.
Much love and God Bless,
EPD
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Last Youth 8-18-10
Tonight was crazy. The Lord was in it and it was incredible. Everything came together. Jimmy told me last week that I'm giving my testimony -apparently an instant obedience to the Holy Spirit- and the second he says that, I hear, "You're talking about your slavery to masturbation and your relationship with you-know-who."
Oh. Eff.
It was one thing to tell a couple of people about my testimony. It's another to tell everyone in my youth group.
So I'm praying pretty much all week for words from the Spirit. We get into worship tonight and Jimmy starts talking about freedom - interesting since I'm taking about my past slavery. Then Andy -an alumnus who's going to my same college- talks about the freedom you have in going to a Christian college. Then I start talking (well, not me, but Spirit) about my freedom, how I wouldn't be free if my good friend hadn't led me to the settingcaptivesfree.com website and how I wouldn't be free if my King didn't die in my place. Now I start tearing up -out of NOWHERE mind you- because I talk about how I was the one that hurt him but He loved me enough to die for me anyways.
Love. Love is a powerful motivation. "We love because He first loved us." (1 John 4:19) And I love so many people. They have all made such a huge impact in my life and love them for all they do for me.
I just want to take the time to shout out everyone who has made my LIFE tonight. To all of my small group girls - Alexa, Brittany, Kahlia, Sara, Alexis, and Anna. I love each and every one of you and I hate that I'm leaving you. But you guys are in good hands with Brittany. I already wrote everything fantastic about each of you and I gave them to all of you. I could go on and on and on about you guys. Gosh, I love you guys so much. Alexis, your cake is fantastic. I could eat it all the time if cake had no bad nutritional value. ;P
Grace, Sarah, and Heather, ya'll are getting your own dedications later (not sure when since everything is getting crazy at my house).
Andrea, you and I have gotten in fights, but we always seem to have each other's backs. Thank you for all of your fabulous-ness. I still remember volleyball Senior Night, the best Senior Night ever ;).
Bo, why the heck don't we talk more?! This changes now. Imma hit you up on Facebook more so when I get back we'll already be in the habit of talking to each other all the time. You don't know this, but I crazy admire you. Also, that was so nice of you to say that youth would be missing something without me. Thank you.
Daniel, dude you are my brother. I know you hate me and I'm obnoxious and blah, but I really really want to know you more. I want to be there for you. I know there are some issues with us, but I hope we can work past that. You have potential. Don't waste it.
Matt, oh man, you're fourteen! You always make me laugh and I just love your carefree, playful, easygoing attitude. I just love you, man, plain and simple. I will always be able to lift you ;) Do everything to glorify the Lord and you will be running strong.
Doreen, you are the voice amongst the noise. You say want you mean and I can go to you for some seriously tough love. I still remember your words about my lack of control in anything because it's all in God's hands. (You wrote that on my Facebook Birthday note.)
Danielle aka Danny, the most adorable girl I know! We don't know each other well, but I'd like to know you more. You have spunk, charm, and you are surprisingly outgoing. I love that you give your opinion no matter what. Honesty is refreshing; don't lose who you are.
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Oh for crying in the night the frito bandito is on the run. I have so enjoyed having you as a youth pastor. You are real and alive and open. Thank you so so so much for giving me the opportunity to speak tonight. You keep everyone going with your sense of humor. I love how everything can roll off your back.
Marcus, a year. A whole year with you and Russ. Oh man. Apple fritters all the way. I'm going to miss you guys up there. I loved our random conversations and how we always picked on each other. You are amazingly gifted and I love your Tri House group. More gospel rap PLEASE! (Though I never got to your house for tri tip...) If you ever need something media related, please don't hesitate to call/text/Facebook. And thanks for saying that new guy has such big shoes to fill. That was very kind (though untrue).
Michelle, you have always welcomed me with open arms and I thank you so much for that. You are so easy to talk to. You have fed me and consoled me and I thank you again for your refreshing, calming nature. I can't wait to talk to you more!
Carolyn, you know why you're on here :). You will get your own dedication later as well.
Danny, you better kick some serious tail on Student Council. I'm totally serious on my offer - call me whenever. I'll probably give you some obvious advice or I might not have much to give, but I would not mind being involved in the school community process. Let me know when St. Baldrick's is happening again. Maybe I really will shave my head this time...
To everyone - I LOVE ALL OF YOU! I'm going to miss small group and youth group so much. Today I really felt sad to be leaving. A part of me cried out to stay. But have no fear, you will have all forgotten me by Thanksgiving break ;)
Oh and to the prayer group that was in the Spirit to intercede for my man and I to meet... Can't wait to see what happens, ahahaha.
I love you guys. See you soon!
Oh. Eff.
It was one thing to tell a couple of people about my testimony. It's another to tell everyone in my youth group.
So I'm praying pretty much all week for words from the Spirit. We get into worship tonight and Jimmy starts talking about freedom - interesting since I'm taking about my past slavery. Then Andy -an alumnus who's going to my same college- talks about the freedom you have in going to a Christian college. Then I start talking (well, not me, but Spirit) about my freedom, how I wouldn't be free if my good friend hadn't led me to the settingcaptivesfree.com website and how I wouldn't be free if my King didn't die in my place. Now I start tearing up -out of NOWHERE mind you- because I talk about how I was the one that hurt him but He loved me enough to die for me anyways.
Love. Love is a powerful motivation. "We love because He first loved us." (1 John 4:19) And I love so many people. They have all made such a huge impact in my life and love them for all they do for me.
I just want to take the time to shout out everyone who has made my LIFE tonight. To all of my small group girls - Alexa, Brittany, Kahlia, Sara, Alexis, and Anna. I love each and every one of you and I hate that I'm leaving you. But you guys are in good hands with Brittany. I already wrote everything fantastic about each of you and I gave them to all of you. I could go on and on and on about you guys. Gosh, I love you guys so much. Alexis, your cake is fantastic. I could eat it all the time if cake had no bad nutritional value. ;P
Grace, Sarah, and Heather, ya'll are getting your own dedications later (not sure when since everything is getting crazy at my house).
Andrea, you and I have gotten in fights, but we always seem to have each other's backs. Thank you for all of your fabulous-ness. I still remember volleyball Senior Night, the best Senior Night ever ;).
Bo, why the heck don't we talk more?! This changes now. Imma hit you up on Facebook more so when I get back we'll already be in the habit of talking to each other all the time. You don't know this, but I crazy admire you. Also, that was so nice of you to say that youth would be missing something without me. Thank you.
Daniel, dude you are my brother. I know you hate me and I'm obnoxious and blah, but I really really want to know you more. I want to be there for you. I know there are some issues with us, but I hope we can work past that. You have potential. Don't waste it.
Matt, oh man, you're fourteen! You always make me laugh and I just love your carefree, playful, easygoing attitude. I just love you, man, plain and simple. I will always be able to lift you ;) Do everything to glorify the Lord and you will be running strong.
Doreen, you are the voice amongst the noise. You say want you mean and I can go to you for some seriously tough love. I still remember your words about my lack of control in anything because it's all in God's hands. (You wrote that on my Facebook Birthday note.)
Danielle aka Danny, the most adorable girl I know! We don't know each other well, but I'd like to know you more. You have spunk, charm, and you are surprisingly outgoing. I love that you give your opinion no matter what. Honesty is refreshing; don't lose who you are.
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Oh for crying in the night the frito bandito is on the run. I have so enjoyed having you as a youth pastor. You are real and alive and open. Thank you so so so much for giving me the opportunity to speak tonight. You keep everyone going with your sense of humor. I love how everything can roll off your back.
Marcus, a year. A whole year with you and Russ. Oh man. Apple fritters all the way. I'm going to miss you guys up there. I loved our random conversations and how we always picked on each other. You are amazingly gifted and I love your Tri House group. More gospel rap PLEASE! (Though I never got to your house for tri tip...) If you ever need something media related, please don't hesitate to call/text/Facebook. And thanks for saying that new guy has such big shoes to fill. That was very kind (though untrue).
Michelle, you have always welcomed me with open arms and I thank you so much for that. You are so easy to talk to. You have fed me and consoled me and I thank you again for your refreshing, calming nature. I can't wait to talk to you more!
Carolyn, you know why you're on here :). You will get your own dedication later as well.
Danny, you better kick some serious tail on Student Council. I'm totally serious on my offer - call me whenever. I'll probably give you some obvious advice or I might not have much to give, but I would not mind being involved in the school community process. Let me know when St. Baldrick's is happening again. Maybe I really will shave my head this time...
To everyone - I LOVE ALL OF YOU! I'm going to miss small group and youth group so much. Today I really felt sad to be leaving. A part of me cried out to stay. But have no fear, you will have all forgotten me by Thanksgiving break ;)
Oh and to the prayer group that was in the Spirit to intercede for my man and I to meet... Can't wait to see what happens, ahahaha.
I love you guys. See you soon!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
A Revelation from Malcolm in the Middle
I was watching Malcolm in the Middle today. It was the episode where Lois and Hal (the parents) have a pregnancy scare; it's mostly a flashback episode based on Lois's pregnancies with Francis, Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey.
What struck me the most was the ending scene. Lois is about to give birth to Dewey in her backyard (there was a chemistry set incident, thanks to Malcolm, which kept the family from getting back into the house to find the car keys) when she and Hal are fighting. Lois finally says that she can't have another kid if their relationship would continue to suffer like it had been since Francis's birth a couple years earlier. So she says, "Here's what we'll do. I want you to tell me three, no, five, no, SEVEN things about me that you love and I have to believe every one of them."
Hal struggles to figure out seven things he loves about his wife (the first few of them being ridiculous, such as "I love how your toes all look like they came from other people") before he really gets the ball rolling. Then the two start confessing how much they love each other and want to share their lives with each other and would never trade that for anything.
And as I watched this scene, I cried, because it was one of the realist, rawest things I could think of that would make a relationship shine. The fact that the two of them realized they needed to fix their relationship, then sat down and brought back the reasons they loved each other was so honest. Then I thought, I want that - to be able to fight, sit down, and bring up exactly what's wrong, how we fix it, then remember that no matter what, we can find and remember things to love about each other.
Honesty. Truth. Real. Genuine.
Much love and God Bless,
EPD
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The Lord's Table
I completed Way of Purity on the settingcaptivesfree.com website and moved onto The Lord's Table. This course is to break bad eating habits. I overeat and eat when I'm bored. Today was Day 3.
The first day was about getting your motivations for taking the course right - glorifying the Lord. Day 2 was about why we eat when we aren't hungry, usually because we want to satisfy ourselves because of a spiritual reason or we feel empty.
Day 3 was feasting on the Lord (i.e. getting into the Word and praying and listening to His voice) to satisfy those desires we got into on Day 2; basically it was to replace the bad eating habits with the good habit of getting into God's presence.
This program has me on an eating plan. Two actually. Eat only when your tummy growls. Then there's the meal plan consisting of liquid, half, normal, and fast days. Liquid days you drink liquids all day except for your last meal. Half days you eat half portions of what you'd normally eat (like if I usually eat three cookies, I only eat one and a half on a half day). Normal days are normal and fast days are no food. Instead of eating at meal times we pray.
Today's a normal day (day one was a half day, day two was liquids day -which I really enjoyed). Tomorrow is my fast day. The program recommends starting the fast day the evening before until the evening of (so tonight after dinner I don't eat, sleep, and I fast until tomorrow evening).
Each week there's two normal days, two half days, two liquid days, and one fast day. No days are back to back (i.e. today and tomorrow can't be normal days, but today and Thursday can be).
I have a mentor in this program, which is awesome, since I didn't get one for Way of Purity. My mentor is fantastic and I'm excited to get advice from my mentor.
Hopefully more to update.
With love and God Bless,
EPD
The first day was about getting your motivations for taking the course right - glorifying the Lord. Day 2 was about why we eat when we aren't hungry, usually because we want to satisfy ourselves because of a spiritual reason or we feel empty.
Day 3 was feasting on the Lord (i.e. getting into the Word and praying and listening to His voice) to satisfy those desires we got into on Day 2; basically it was to replace the bad eating habits with the good habit of getting into God's presence.
This program has me on an eating plan. Two actually. Eat only when your tummy growls. Then there's the meal plan consisting of liquid, half, normal, and fast days. Liquid days you drink liquids all day except for your last meal. Half days you eat half portions of what you'd normally eat (like if I usually eat three cookies, I only eat one and a half on a half day). Normal days are normal and fast days are no food. Instead of eating at meal times we pray.
Today's a normal day (day one was a half day, day two was liquids day -which I really enjoyed). Tomorrow is my fast day. The program recommends starting the fast day the evening before until the evening of (so tonight after dinner I don't eat, sleep, and I fast until tomorrow evening).
Each week there's two normal days, two half days, two liquid days, and one fast day. No days are back to back (i.e. today and tomorrow can't be normal days, but today and Thursday can be).
I have a mentor in this program, which is awesome, since I didn't get one for Way of Purity. My mentor is fantastic and I'm excited to get advice from my mentor.
Hopefully more to update.
With love and God Bless,
EPD
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Identity: Part 1...?
Today was the first time I wasn't afraid to see you. Today I actually loved you - not romantically nor was it perverted, but it was God's love. Spirit was active in my heart, connecting me to Daddy so I was connected by the heart.
Love.
I can't fix our relationship. I'm human and I'll fall; as much as I want to love you and show you what the Lord has done in my life, a bad influence takes hold much more than a good influence would. The demons would come at me again. I'd lose Spirit and I won't do that. Not when He's the love of my life. Not when He's my best friend.
Spirit. The Holy Spirit. I've heard His voice so clearly recently. I can't see Him, but I often imagine the typical angelic appearance - pale skin, blond hair, and blue eyes. He's bright and vibrant. He connects me to Daddy, gives me words, intercedes when my words and prayers fail (as they so often do). Spirit produces virtues in me, the same characteristics Jesus exemplified.
Papa. My relationship with my earthly father is off and on. Recently we've been getting along very well. When we don't, the Lord's been expanding my wisdom, telling me what went wrong and why. When I feel spurned or lost or unable to speak, I cry to my Daddy. He comforts me and stays beside me. He created the world, yet He loves little ol' me. Astounding.
Jesus. My Savior, my brother, my friend. He risked everything for me, depended wholly on Papa, and died in my place. I nailed Him to that cross, I spit in His face, I beat Him and whipped Him and pounded those thorns onto His head. But He took it. He didn't strike me down, didn't even fight to save Himself. He gave Himself up for the very person who tortured Him - me.
The demons. Many demons tempt me off and on. I've just completed a course on settingcaptivesfree.com to fend off Masturbation and Sexual Immorality - remnants of our time together. Now I'm committed to fighting Gluttony at the same site.
Even though we can't be friends, I think He can use me to love you from afar. Maybe. Or perhaps our time together is truly over and I did all I could to show you Truth.
But I'll never forget when I confessed I wanted to kill myself, when the IM died, and you kept calling and calling until I answered so we could talk it through. That's one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me.
Love.
I can't fix our relationship. I'm human and I'll fall; as much as I want to love you and show you what the Lord has done in my life, a bad influence takes hold much more than a good influence would. The demons would come at me again. I'd lose Spirit and I won't do that. Not when He's the love of my life. Not when He's my best friend.
Spirit. The Holy Spirit. I've heard His voice so clearly recently. I can't see Him, but I often imagine the typical angelic appearance - pale skin, blond hair, and blue eyes. He's bright and vibrant. He connects me to Daddy, gives me words, intercedes when my words and prayers fail (as they so often do). Spirit produces virtues in me, the same characteristics Jesus exemplified.
Papa. My relationship with my earthly father is off and on. Recently we've been getting along very well. When we don't, the Lord's been expanding my wisdom, telling me what went wrong and why. When I feel spurned or lost or unable to speak, I cry to my Daddy. He comforts me and stays beside me. He created the world, yet He loves little ol' me. Astounding.
Jesus. My Savior, my brother, my friend. He risked everything for me, depended wholly on Papa, and died in my place. I nailed Him to that cross, I spit in His face, I beat Him and whipped Him and pounded those thorns onto His head. But He took it. He didn't strike me down, didn't even fight to save Himself. He gave Himself up for the very person who tortured Him - me.
The demons. Many demons tempt me off and on. I've just completed a course on settingcaptivesfree.com to fend off Masturbation and Sexual Immorality - remnants of our time together. Now I'm committed to fighting Gluttony at the same site.
Even though we can't be friends, I think He can use me to love you from afar. Maybe. Or perhaps our time together is truly over and I did all I could to show you Truth.
But I'll never forget when I confessed I wanted to kill myself, when the IM died, and you kept calling and calling until I answered so we could talk it through. That's one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Hour of Need
Hour of Need
Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise.
Jeremiah 17:14
I am your healer, your joy, your Lord. You bid Me, your Lord, come. Did you not know that I am here? With noiseless footfall I draw near to you.Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise.
Jeremiah 17:14
Your hour of need is the moment of My coming.
Could you know My love, could you measure My longing to help, you would know that I need no agonized pleading.
Your need is My call.
(Taken from 365 One-Minute Devotions: God Calling)
Friday, August 6, 2010
Firm Part 2
I knew this would happen. I saw a message in my inbox, knew it was you (I hate that we're still mentally connected like that), and sighed. I knew you'd ask to open up communication lines.
But I can't. I won't. I won't go back to that. You say we've both grown up and grown past that. I've grown past it, but I don't want to put myself in that position again. I was obsessed with you. I remember sobbing my heart out because I missed one phone call from you after not hearing from you in a week. That's not healthy. That isn't ok.
Even seeing that message in my inbox set my adrenaline rushing. My heart pounds, and everything freezes. It was the same way when we were friends. I'd hear the phone ring and rush to answer. I'd see an email from you and curse my Internet for not loading quickly enough.
We know each other as well as ever. You suggested that you were curious now that our lives have gone their separate ways. I've been wondering what you've been up to for ages and I keep praying for you wherever you are. Your talent is impeccable and I hope you're doing things with it. I'm as boring as ever so ... (Of course, my King is not yours, so that's a huge rift already; you can't feel my joy, and that sucks. I wish you could.)
Ugh. And now I'm considering Adam again. I hate the loyalty card he played; what use is loyalty if you're loyal to the wrong thing? The bright side is I think I've finally forgiven him for blowing me off when I confessed to considering suicide.
And I wish I had the nerve to casually bring you up while talking to Lana or Thomas. How useless, not to mention pathetic. She's well aware of my rawness with you; we try not to bring you up. I'm terrified Thomas will stab me because of the whole thing, but he hasn't yet. He was so loyal to you... He loved you. He barely opens up to me.
And you didn't even do what I asked you to! Geez, my last request to you and you - But then again, I wasn't very clear. We said a lot that day, we've written a lot to each other (and our fight is so extensive I can't even remember the sequential order; all I know is I started it), written about each other, deleted/hidden comments (something else that extraordinarily pissed me off about you; I explicitly told you NOT to bring Lana into this), and whatever else.
Though there is one thing that I really want to know. Awhile ago you mentioned you were trying to find help for me. I'd like to know what you were talking about. I would've loved therapy; a bit late now -praise the Lord for getting me over it- but I appreciate the gesture. Though it was my fault. Lana knows about this too, but again, awkward much?
Maybe you'll say I dwell too much on the past. But it's hard to remember my rollercoaster with you, my two depressing years of high school, my isolation, my self-loathing, and willingly say, sure I'll go back to that.
I don't think I'll reply back.
*Names changed to protect the innocent.
**Subject to deletion.
But I can't. I won't. I won't go back to that. You say we've both grown up and grown past that. I've grown past it, but I don't want to put myself in that position again. I was obsessed with you. I remember sobbing my heart out because I missed one phone call from you after not hearing from you in a week. That's not healthy. That isn't ok.
Even seeing that message in my inbox set my adrenaline rushing. My heart pounds, and everything freezes. It was the same way when we were friends. I'd hear the phone ring and rush to answer. I'd see an email from you and curse my Internet for not loading quickly enough.
We know each other as well as ever. You suggested that you were curious now that our lives have gone their separate ways. I've been wondering what you've been up to for ages and I keep praying for you wherever you are. Your talent is impeccable and I hope you're doing things with it. I'm as boring as ever so ... (Of course, my King is not yours, so that's a huge rift already; you can't feel my joy, and that sucks. I wish you could.)
Ugh. And now I'm considering Adam again. I hate the loyalty card he played; what use is loyalty if you're loyal to the wrong thing? The bright side is I think I've finally forgiven him for blowing me off when I confessed to considering suicide.
And I wish I had the nerve to casually bring you up while talking to Lana or Thomas. How useless, not to mention pathetic. She's well aware of my rawness with you; we try not to bring you up. I'm terrified Thomas will stab me because of the whole thing, but he hasn't yet. He was so loyal to you... He loved you. He barely opens up to me.
And you didn't even do what I asked you to! Geez, my last request to you and you - But then again, I wasn't very clear. We said a lot that day, we've written a lot to each other (and our fight is so extensive I can't even remember the sequential order; all I know is I started it), written about each other, deleted/hidden comments (something else that extraordinarily pissed me off about you; I explicitly told you NOT to bring Lana into this), and whatever else.
Though there is one thing that I really want to know. Awhile ago you mentioned you were trying to find help for me. I'd like to know what you were talking about. I would've loved therapy; a bit late now -praise the Lord for getting me over it- but I appreciate the gesture. Though it was my fault. Lana knows about this too, but again, awkward much?
Maybe you'll say I dwell too much on the past. But it's hard to remember my rollercoaster with you, my two depressing years of high school, my isolation, my self-loathing, and willingly say, sure I'll go back to that.
I don't think I'll reply back.
*Names changed to protect the innocent.
**Subject to deletion.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Happy Frickin Birthday
I am an emotional wreck right now.
My friend, Erin, celebrated her birthday yesterday with a sleepover (her real birthday is today). She invited several friends over to her house to eat cake and have fun and swim, then left the invite open ended for a sleepover. I wasn't able to make the festivities, so I opted to spend the night. Surprisingly I remembered all of the girls in the group and they welcomed me rather warmly, despite the fact we haven't see each other in over a year (and we're only acquaintances). They are a beautiful group and I wish I could've hung out with them more often.
At about 4PM today, Liz steals Cathy's seat on the couch. Cathy and Erin start torturing her to get her to give up the seat (stuff like singing really high pitched, hitting buzzers, turning up the volume on the TV, spraying Liz with water, etc.). Melissa, Mary, and I decide to leave the room and not get involved (i.e. neutral Switzerland style) while the torture continues.
Then all of the sudden Liz, Cathy, and Erin start screaming at each other and make their way towards our side of the house. The three of us realize that this has become way more than a seat on the couch - there's some deeper issues coming out here. Doors get slammed, Liz runs off, Erin chases her down. Melissa finally gets Mary and me out of the house to the backyard to escape the screaming fight. I call my mom so she can get me the heck away from this madness.
Liz has left and Erin and Cathy meet us outside. Then Liz's older sister Patty shows up. The first words out her mouth to Cathy? "How can you call yourself a Christian?"
Oh. God. Help.
The ish has just hit the fan and Mary, Melissa, and I are stuck between the inaccessible gate from the back to the front yard and the door back inside since the fight between Erin -stepping in to defend Cathy- and Patty is happening in front of it. Erin kicks Patty out and that's the end of that. Supposedly Liz is breaking off her friendship with Erin and Cathy, and Patty seems to be in favor of that idea.
I'm pretty much at a loss for words. I've been trying to pray but all I'm getting out is "Lord, please." Maybe more to come/update.
*Names have been changed.
My friend, Erin, celebrated her birthday yesterday with a sleepover (her real birthday is today). She invited several friends over to her house to eat cake and have fun and swim, then left the invite open ended for a sleepover. I wasn't able to make the festivities, so I opted to spend the night. Surprisingly I remembered all of the girls in the group and they welcomed me rather warmly, despite the fact we haven't see each other in over a year (and we're only acquaintances). They are a beautiful group and I wish I could've hung out with them more often.
At about 4PM today, Liz steals Cathy's seat on the couch. Cathy and Erin start torturing her to get her to give up the seat (stuff like singing really high pitched, hitting buzzers, turning up the volume on the TV, spraying Liz with water, etc.). Melissa, Mary, and I decide to leave the room and not get involved (i.e. neutral Switzerland style) while the torture continues.
Then all of the sudden Liz, Cathy, and Erin start screaming at each other and make their way towards our side of the house. The three of us realize that this has become way more than a seat on the couch - there's some deeper issues coming out here. Doors get slammed, Liz runs off, Erin chases her down. Melissa finally gets Mary and me out of the house to the backyard to escape the screaming fight. I call my mom so she can get me the heck away from this madness.
Liz has left and Erin and Cathy meet us outside. Then Liz's older sister Patty shows up. The first words out her mouth to Cathy? "How can you call yourself a Christian?"
Oh. God. Help.
The ish has just hit the fan and Mary, Melissa, and I are stuck between the inaccessible gate from the back to the front yard and the door back inside since the fight between Erin -stepping in to defend Cathy- and Patty is happening in front of it. Erin kicks Patty out and that's the end of that. Supposedly Liz is breaking off her friendship with Erin and Cathy, and Patty seems to be in favor of that idea.
I'm pretty much at a loss for words. I've been trying to pray but all I'm getting out is "Lord, please." Maybe more to come/update.
*Names have been changed.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
America's Got Talent 8-3-10
Alright, people. Tonight was the last quarter-finals round for America's Got Talent. Out of the 48 contestants the judges sent on from Vegas to Hollywood, only sixteen are moving on into the semi-finals. For the past four weeks, the forty-eight contestants were split into four groups of twelve. I didn't see last week's contestants, not that it mattered because none of them mattered to me and I don't even know who went on, but this week's was jam friggin packed.
The first two acts (Da Maniacs and NU Covenant respectively) didn't appeal to me much. Just another dance group and another singing group. Both didn't do that well. Act number three was Anna and Patryk (sick way to spell that, dude). The young dance duo kicked serious butt with a hip hop tap rendition of "Candy Man". Verrrry good.
Act four was also fantastic - Lindsey Stirling. She plays the violin. And hip hop dances. At the same time. Epic? I think so. However, when she dances she tends to lose her beat count on the violin, resulting in a lot of missed notes. But she rocks crazy hard. As much as I'd like to see her again, I'd love to see her improve her act and make a huge comeback.
The fifth act was Doogie Horner. Now I love comedy, but I feel that since comics have their own show Last Comic Standing, I'm not keen about sending him on.
Now, act six. Rudi Macaggi is one of those danger acts, kind of in the realm of sword swallower and fire thrower. Except he does crazy circus/acrobatic stunts like, oh, standing on his head on a tower of wine/glasses like in the pic. Today, he decided to FREAK ME AND EVERYONE ELSE OUT ON PURPOSE by doing a handstand on two vertical concrete blocks over a buzzing saw blade, then pushing over the blocks and driving his head inches above the saw. Everyone thought he fell, everyone tripped out, I cried a little, but it was a brilliant strategic move.
Acts six and seven were singers (Taylor Mathews, who I didn't watch and Mary Ellen, who's kind of a joke of the show). Mathews is probably a hit with the ladies, so I am a bit concerned that he'll go on. Mary Ellen...aye. She's hilarious, but definitely not the winner of this show.
Ah yes; ArcAttack, act number nine. The entire audience had to move outside to a stage built just for their performance since it would've blown every fuse in the studio in Hollywood. With a fascinating rendition of "Iron Man", and a hint of Infamous the video game, ArcAttack utilizes electricity in their performance. They make all of their props, instruments included, to conduct electricity, much like those weird shock globes that change colors.
Ohhhhhhh my favorite performance of the night - act ten. I am erratically in love with Prince Poppycock for two reasons. One, I loooooove his fashion sense. I want his clothes. And wigs. And makeup. Two, his voice is beautiful. I have never loved opera so much. Weirdly enough, I've not exposed myself to much opera outside of the hint of it we get from Phantom of the Opera. If I had this guy's CD, opera would be a new, mostly listened to genre on my iPod.
Act eleven (geez back to back to back here on favorites) was Murray the magician. I couldn't find a good pic of him performing any of his illusions, but tonight's was astounding. In his earlier qualifying round, Murray managed to make a Ferrari appear. Tonight, he made the classic girl in a cage turn into a tiger. Then made the girl reappear twenty or so feet away at the judges' table.
Act twelve was yet another dance act, Strikers All Stars. As you might notice, I don't like dance acts for the same reason I'm not big on comedians or singers in America's Got Talent - dancers have their own show, So You Think You Can Dance(though group acts don't apply there). Singers have the same issue though, since American Idol is also soloists only.
Seven of my ten votes went to Prince Poppycock; the other three went to Rudi Macaggi, since I fear he may have been lost in the insanity of the second half of the talents. This episode is by far the hardest I've had to predict. Out of the four contestants that go on, America's votes pick three, and the judges pick the last. I feel Murray and ArcAttack will certainly go on from votes. I think Rudi will too. Prince Poppycock had better, or I will cry. I'm hoping if America didn't vote for him, then the judges will see he's got the best talent out of the remaining talents.
We'll see tomorroooooow!
What're your talents?
Much Love, God Bless!
EPD
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