This semester has honestly swamped me. I feel like I'm drowning, only able to come up for air every couple of topics. Sometimes I get epiphanies that lead me confidently into the next topic. Then I struggle again as the waves crash over my head, and I'm left spinning beneath the surface.
Everytime I teach something, I feel utterly useless. I feel like this is a huge mistake. Then again, maybe I am overreacting. But everyone else seems so good at this, like they've just jumped in, yet it appears they've been teaching all their lives. I feel like I have no structure, like I have no idea who I am as a teacher, my style, my abilities. I feel like I'm talking to walls. If the walls happen to speak back, I can't answer them because of my extreme inexperience.
But it's too late. I'm locked into this major, and there's no way I'm starting over. I guess I'll keep fighting, keep trying. Maybe someone, somewhere, can use a small group tutor instead of a large classroom teacher. Maybe Haiti doesn't give a rip if I'm an English teacher; I'll still be stuck on the outside looking in.
I think I'm going to stop caring about the future so much. I feel like that's all college is - future career, future jobs, future graduation, future wife/husband and kids - futurefuturefutureFUTURE. I can't take it anymore. I swear if I hear Jeremiah 29:11 one more time...
Live for today. Breathe. Take everything one step at a time.
