Denial

I've known for a week or so now that I can't go to Haiti. Because I'm not a Sci-Tech major. And that wasn't such a big deal. I figured, I'll see if CrossWalk is going to host a non-major trip to Haiti. If not, I'd go straight to Convoy. Things look increasingly complicated on all fronts.

And now I'm wondering if I am called at all.

It's not the struggle, I'm worried about. I'd be fine with that if I hadn't been in Essential Christianity today.

Apparently being called depends on other people advocating ways to achieve your call.

No big deal, right? Until my professor mentioned a student he'd had who felt called to be a doctor. But after six years of trying to apply to medical school, he gave up. It wasn't working. Because although he'd done everything right, everyone else slammed the door.

At first I was thinking he didn't try hard enough. Then I got worried. What if God purposely kept the doors shut? What if He had in fact called him to something, but the student had confused it or muddled it by his own desires? I'm noticing that a lot here; dreams of nursing only to be called to make the tough decision to switch majors to missions. "But God, I can nurse in foreign countries. This is what I want."

"No."

I've watched girls here sob over crushed passions. I'm wondering if that'll be me too.

This is why I try not to love anything. If I do, I fear it'll be taken away. That's part of why I don't want him. I have a deep, unnerving fear that you will destroy me if you take him. That's why I'm so bothered by this dream I had last night. A dream of massacre in Haiti. A dream where we weren't there to stop it, but sobbing in each other's arms as we watched the live footage played on the news. I fear you will take away everything dear to me.

I'd call You cruel if I didn't think there was a much bigger picture I was missing. Blind faith, they call it.

Then I suppose it's the blind leading the blind.

Blurb

"What a useless thing," he said. "People are so predictable. Life is one circle. Birth, love, death. Throw in some abuse and somehow these people get compassion. What's wrong with this picture?"

"The compassion, sir," he replied. "Abuse should equal turning away from God, not to him."

"Exactly. So why isn't it working with her?"

Because I've got her safely in hand.

Does GO = Stay...?

Friday Chapel Service held a special surprise for me.

Crosswalk was announcing where they were headed for missions trips this year.

I had no idea they were doing this today; I thought I was waiting for Tuesday for the make or break moment of my current existence. As I walked into the chapel, Crosswalk member were handing each student a blue card, listing each of their services - children's ministry, community service, and, of course, missions.

My heart sank when I couldn't find it on the list. And then...there it was. Towards the bottom. A Spring Break missions trip held by the Science-Tech Department. I started shouting and jumping up and down, trying not to freak out but probably failing miserably.

I marked the box and circled it over and over and decked it out with stars - Haiti.

Now, they mentioned it was a medical based trip, which shouldn't be a problem. I'm not in the Sci-Tech Dep. but I don't think you're bound by restrictions of major, nor whether you are aspiring to be a neurosurgeon or not (though I did instantly consider Fiji and Bo, so shoutout to you Mr. I'mma-get-married-in-the-next-eight-months).

Regardless, I'll be at the meeting on Tuesday to ask said -potentially stupid- questions.

I was talking to the folks about this today when I phoned home. I told them that instead of taking the academic trip to Greece, I would go to Haiti because "As corny as this sounds," I said, "I feel my life's purpose is to go to Haiti."

Pause. Quickly I amended to, "At least once."

But the reality of the statement hit me. What if I am supposed to go?

And stay?

Tell me, Send me, GO

I've got to get there. I've got to go. Please please PLEASE be on the list for CrossWalk's missions trips. Waiting until, what, the 14th? Come ON, I can't wait that long.

If you're not on the list, I'm going to Convoy directly. I'm going this year. If I don't go this year... Ugh, man, no, Lord, please. I finally have some semblance of passion in my life and if I let it die...

I have some inkling of my purpose, something greater outside of these four walls, this however-small-big-whatever square footage, outside of this life. Please.

No, I don't care about him. He'll come whenever You want him there. He's lost much meaning to me now that I've exhausted the idea. Don't let him come back. Keep him out of mind until then. I don't want him to be referenced, I don't want to think of him, I don't want to hear talk of him. I want to stop thinking every one I meet could be him or lead me to him.

I want to stop obsessing.

I want to go. That's the most important thing to me now. Well, other than You, obviously. I need a physical reminder. I was going to draw their flag, but go figure it's the most complicated thing ever. Maybe just their motto...? Some memorabilia somewhere? (Like people here would carry- ...Hm. Maybe I could hit up Amazon. Or more locally, get deeper into the recesses of the Thrift Store. Speaking of, kickin' dress, Lord.)

Off to find a physical source of inspiration.

Much love, God Bless,
EPD

(P.S. Got any prayer requests? Even leaving an "unspoken" in the comments is perfectly fine.)