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Saturday, July 24, 2010

Firm

Today was fantastic. I went swimming, I saw Inception again, and I got to hang out with my friends. Then I started isolating myself - as I usually do when I am around people for too long -and stopped talking so I could drift away into my thoughts.

It was dark. I have an affinity for darkness, a part of me that is so fascinated with evil, with a villain that is diabolical. I grin when I think of such a character and suddenly twisted seems beautiful. In my mind, anyways. I'm sure in reality if I met such a person, I'd be terrified.

But go figure that when I started to smile at these thoughts of chaos...

you added me on Facebook.

Your name doesn't terrify me anymore so much as it surprised me today. We've made amends, and I made you a stupid promise, one I didn't realize I wouldn't be able to keep. So I know why you added me - you wanted me to have an access to you, an open door, just in case you wanted to drop me a line. Or you wanted us to rekindle our friendship.

But we can't. I denied your request. Accepting it would've only over-excited you, then the reality of things would disappoint you. We can't be friends, not even online. Why bother? We're still too entwined, too over-ecstatic to see a reply or an update. It would only end up the way it did before.

I will fail you. Over. And over. You will hate me, and I almost wish you did now. Having you hate me would be cathartic because I knew the way our relationship turned out was my fault. At least this way we live separate lives. If we became friends again, our relationship would only fall back on what it was before. You was said that I called our friendship impure - that's because it was. I loved you in a way I shouldn't have. I loved you for the wrong reasons. Being friends with you again will only bring all of that back.

While I have let go of what happened to us in the past, I can't forget it. We can't move past it. Sure, that's not who I am now, but I can't go back to it and assume I'm better than it. Sure, you've changed; you're undoubtedly stronger now.

But my love for you was twisted. And I can't disentangle those thoughts from new ones. I'm sorry.

*Subject to deletion

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