Firm Part 2

I knew this would happen. I saw a message in my inbox, knew it was you (I hate that we're still mentally connected like that), and sighed. I knew you'd ask to open up communication lines.

But I can't. I won't. I won't go back to that. You say we've both grown up and grown past that. I've grown past it, but I don't want to put myself in that position again. I was obsessed with you. I remember sobbing my heart out because I missed one phone call from you after not hearing from you in a week. That's not healthy. That isn't ok.

Even seeing that message in my inbox set my adrenaline rushing. My heart pounds, and everything freezes. It was the same way when we were friends. I'd hear the phone ring and rush to answer. I'd see an email from you and curse my Internet for not loading quickly enough.

We know each other as well as ever. You suggested that you were curious now that our lives have gone their separate ways. I've been wondering what you've been up to for ages and I keep praying for you wherever you are. Your talent is impeccable and I hope you're doing things with it. I'm as boring as ever so ... (Of course, my King is not yours, so that's a huge rift already; you can't feel my joy, and that sucks. I wish you could.)

Ugh. And now I'm considering Adam again. I hate the loyalty card he played; what use is loyalty if you're loyal to the wrong thing? The bright side is I think I've finally forgiven him for blowing me off when I confessed to considering suicide.

And I wish I had the nerve to casually bring you up while talking to Lana or Thomas. How useless, not to mention pathetic. She's well aware of my rawness with you; we try not to bring you up. I'm terrified Thomas will stab me because of the whole thing, but he hasn't yet. He was so loyal to you... He loved you. He barely opens up to me.

And you didn't even do what I asked you to! Geez, my last request to you and you - But then again, I wasn't very clear. We said a lot that day, we've written a lot to each other (and our fight is so extensive I can't even remember the sequential order; all I know is I started it), written about each other, deleted/hidden comments (something else that extraordinarily pissed me off about you; I explicitly told you NOT to bring Lana into this), and whatever else.

Though there is one thing that I really want to know. Awhile ago you mentioned you were trying to find help for me. I'd like to know what you were talking about. I would've loved therapy; a bit late now -praise the Lord for getting me over it- but I appreciate the gesture. Though it was my fault. Lana knows about this too, but again, awkward much?

Maybe you'll say I dwell too much on the past. But it's hard to remember my rollercoaster with you, my two depressing years of high school, my isolation, my self-loathing, and willingly say, sure I'll go back to that.

I don't think I'll reply back.

*Names changed to protect the innocent.
**Subject to deletion.