Identity: Part 1...?

Today was the first time I wasn't afraid to see you. Today I actually loved you - not romantically nor was it perverted, but it was God's love. Spirit was active in my heart, connecting me to Daddy so I was connected by the heart.

Love.

I can't fix our relationship. I'm human and I'll fall; as much as I want to love you and show you what the Lord has done in my life, a bad influence takes hold much more than a good influence would. The demons would come at me again. I'd lose Spirit and I won't do that. Not when He's the love of my life. Not when He's my best friend.

Spirit. The Holy Spirit. I've heard His voice so clearly recently. I can't see Him, but I often imagine the typical angelic appearance - pale skin, blond hair, and blue eyes. He's bright and vibrant. He connects me to Daddy, gives me words, intercedes when my words and prayers fail (as they so often do). Spirit produces virtues in me, the same characteristics Jesus exemplified.

Papa. My relationship with my earthly father is off and on. Recently we've been getting along very well. When we don't, the Lord's been expanding my wisdom, telling me what went wrong and why. When I feel spurned or lost or unable to speak, I cry to my Daddy. He comforts me and stays beside me. He created the world, yet He loves little ol' me. Astounding.

Jesus. My Savior, my brother, my friend. He risked everything for me, depended wholly on Papa, and died in my place. I nailed Him to that cross, I spit in His face, I beat Him and whipped Him and pounded those thorns onto His head. But He took it. He didn't strike me down, didn't even fight to save Himself. He gave Himself up for the very person who tortured Him - me.

The demons. Many demons tempt me off and on. I've just completed a course on settingcaptivesfree.com to fend off Masturbation and Sexual Immorality - remnants of our time together. Now I'm committed to fighting Gluttony at the same site.

Even though we can't be friends, I think He can use me to love you from afar. Maybe. Or perhaps our time together is truly over and I did all I could to show you Truth.

But I'll never forget when I confessed I wanted to kill myself, when the IM died, and you kept calling and calling until I answered so we could talk it through. That's one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me.