Denial

I've known for a week or so now that I can't go to Haiti. Because I'm not a Sci-Tech major. And that wasn't such a big deal. I figured, I'll see if CrossWalk is going to host a non-major trip to Haiti. If not, I'd go straight to Convoy. Things look increasingly complicated on all fronts.

And now I'm wondering if I am called at all.

It's not the struggle, I'm worried about. I'd be fine with that if I hadn't been in Essential Christianity today.

Apparently being called depends on other people advocating ways to achieve your call.

No big deal, right? Until my professor mentioned a student he'd had who felt called to be a doctor. But after six years of trying to apply to medical school, he gave up. It wasn't working. Because although he'd done everything right, everyone else slammed the door.

At first I was thinking he didn't try hard enough. Then I got worried. What if God purposely kept the doors shut? What if He had in fact called him to something, but the student had confused it or muddled it by his own desires? I'm noticing that a lot here; dreams of nursing only to be called to make the tough decision to switch majors to missions. "But God, I can nurse in foreign countries. This is what I want."

"No."

I've watched girls here sob over crushed passions. I'm wondering if that'll be me too.

This is why I try not to love anything. If I do, I fear it'll be taken away. That's part of why I don't want him. I have a deep, unnerving fear that you will destroy me if you take him. That's why I'm so bothered by this dream I had last night. A dream of massacre in Haiti. A dream where we weren't there to stop it, but sobbing in each other's arms as we watched the live footage played on the news. I fear you will take away everything dear to me.

I'd call You cruel if I didn't think there was a much bigger picture I was missing. Blind faith, they call it.

Then I suppose it's the blind leading the blind.