All at Once it Comes

I think we most often forget who we belong to. I think I forget that I am not my own and I am not my parents'. I have no dreams or aspirations because I am an empty vessel. I am blank, not even a mirror for others to see themselves.

Those are the Empaths, and I realized why I was not one. I am blank. I will either tell you what you want to hear or I will tell you the opposite. I am not an Empath because I do not dwell on the depressions and brokenness of others. I will remember them in prayer and I will feel compassion and a brief moment of being in their position, but I will not feel sick for days.

I am empty, blank, and I reflect only what I can muster up. Generally I am without emotion. Usually I am a failure at being a friend because I know so little of social etiquette and true depth because of my broken relationships. I leave my friends in the dust. I fail them, I know. I will yell, scream, roll my eyes, passive aggressively ignore them, and all other things.

I know one such Empath who read me like a book, which I hated. I hate when other people know what I'm thinking. But I suppose that is a form of pride. I hate being an open book and I hate trying to purposely impart my feelings. My communication is so horrific that I do not communicate myself to anyone and I come off as proud or uncaring when I am genuinely not.

I've lost relationships. And because I've lost them, I feel You will ask me to cut off more. So why get attached? Why bother? Why have dreams and aspirations when You will demand my whole heart, then rip them from me?

This is why I love nothing other than the obvious. This is why I am a Learner; I will thirst for everything so You can't possibly hold it all back. I challenge You because I hate what you put me through.

This is why I am Paul. This is why I will not be called to marriage nor to children. And suddenly Aya's point of view makes a world of sense. Not that that would've mattered considering her history with reciprocated crushes. (Not that that is a bad thing, though I have come to the conclusion that I am green with envy whenever someone mentions a crush. I am harsh to break their dreams because mine have been so broken and I can't stand to see someone else with as much happiness as I want and deserve.)

As though I deserve anything. Ever. Not even life. I deserve death. Which is why I think I am finally ok with dying without accomplishing anything. Everyone wants to go out with a bang, make this huge impact. But no one realizes that it is in fact their arrogance that makes them want to impact so many. Who says You've called us to it? Who says You've called me to something bigger than me? That's not accurate. Your Kingdom is much bigger than me, whether I save one person or one hundred thousand. (There it goes again - "I", "me", like I'm the one who changes another's heart.)

I've also realize that I am a social invalid because of my pride. I do not risk anything to be friendly and I do not risk myself to join in something outside of my clique. I do not risk being awkward or honest or transparent because I am afraid of someone seeing me as less than what I show myself to be.

Even as I type this post, it has become all about me me me. And there are so many others who need prayer or support or encouragement. So I apologize for not being there as a support. I am sorry I stood by when you needed me or wanted me to say something. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I gloss over your heart's greatest aches. I am sorry.