Every time I encounter this trio and their parents, my stomach sinks. I get nervous and jittery and I can't really explain why. I just want them to stop fighting and bickering. I know; your lives have been difficult. But please, just for one day--I know, I know, you've tried on so many other days. Please, Lord, just once.
The oldest intimidates me. I just want him to come out and say that I'm stupid and weird and ugly. I feel like that would take a lot of the weight off me. I don't think he even sees me. I just take up space in his car, and then I'm out of his life. I know he's a jerk, but I don't hate him anymore. To be honest, I'd always had a one-sided love-hate relationship with him. He permeates my brain and every little thing he does I take as a personal insult. I don't know why. Now I love him as a brother, but I still think he's a jerk. And I can think that now without bitterness or malice or resentment. He's just a jerk like me. Maybe that's why he fascinates me so: he is the boldness, the confidence, I can never be.
The middle is beautiful. She is one of my dearest friends. But I worry about her. I just want her to know that I'm here, that she can be herself, that I'm not going to hurt her. Deep inside, though, I fear myself, my reactions, my advice. I don't know how to help her, and I don't know if I do hurt her without realizing. That's one of my biggest fears--shattering her in a variety of tiny, insignificant ways that eventually build up to crush her. I worry that I'm really no help at all.
The youngest...God, my whole life I've wanted to reach out to him, but my self-consciousness binds me. Nowadays, I think this might be easier, to actually hold a decent conversation with him, but we are never around each other. Now I think I'm too late. I want to tell him all kinds of things, like love isn't what he thinks it is, and sex is just another way to get hurt at our age, and it's okay if you don't know what you want to do in life. But I'm such a coward. I don't know how to tell him all of this without frightening him further away. I can't just bear my soul to this boy because we are nowhere near close enough for that social practice. I just want him to know that I love him, even though I can't really explain why.
I love all of them, and I have no reasons. I just...I just wish I could be vulnerable enough to tell them all this without experiencing the incredible pain of their rejection. I know they would reject my feelings--maybe not outright, but in small ways, in little words like "Okay," "Oh," "Whatever," and "So like I was saying..."
I just want them to be okay. To be happy. Whole. Healthy. God of gods, please, hear my cry. I know I am but dust from this wide wide earth. Nevertheless, please, Father, hear my words. Unite this family and hold them close to You. Please, God, make Yourself known among the little things, the small actions, the baby gestures. Please, Papa, for I can do nothing despite my love--Your love--for these Your children. I can only sit here and cry in my room, and my tears will never be known, nor will they ever have an impact like You can.
Amen.
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