Lonely. Maybe that's it. I'm lonely. How embarrassing. Why do I feel this way? I have friends, I have parents, I have comrades--all of whom care about me. I know that. So why...?
Papa? I need you. I love you.
It nears 5:30 as I write this portion now. At midnight, I tried sleeping, only to turn and turn and turn to find a position comfortable enough to fall asleep in, to no avail. My mind is relatively empty, fearing and worrying over only general, vague concerns--the barren future that I cannot see, most immediately this semester until the end of my education where my career begins.
I know You have all this covered, that worrying does not add a single hour to my life; so why then does my stomach turn?
My thoughts turn now to random musings. Consequences. Will those begin now? How long shall I await Your justice for destroying one of your daughters, for violating the sacredness meant between married lovers? This loneliness cannot be a punishment; I cannot sow in the physical and reap in the emotional. I am frightened, but I know punishment is deserved.
Papa, why am I so empty? I keep looking for You, I know, but instead I write and pretend because I don't know love for myself--that earth-moving love that only You are capable of giving us, the one I write about so intimately though I can never know it for myself.
Is that my consequence? To never know that love? No, that is a lie. I know You; I will give Your love away as you continue to shower me with it, though I am deeply undeserving. But I keep myself sealed away, emotionally distanced from You, from Your children--why?
I need Your peace, my Father, my God, my King. I am lowly, capable only of prostrating myself before Your grandness. Will you grant this peasant her wish? To let go. To be happy. To be free.
I love You. As superficial and worthless that love may be. Still, You love me too. Thank You, my God.
My friend, I pray that you find a freedom so grand that only the Father could have provided it. I understand this loneliness that you feel. I have felt it many times myself. I pray that I get to go to your graduation, which is unlikely. I will do my best. I miss you already even though I saw you not too long ago.
ReplyDeleteSmile, my friend, my sister. You are not alone. Keep in mind all the times that the Lord has provided someone to be there for you, as small as it may seem. Remember the smiles that you put on people's faces. Remember the laughs and the joy that you have had. Remember the tears because that shows you still have emotions and a heart. Remember that not all is lost because He has given you a purpose, as obscure as it may be at times. Remember that you are not alone for you will ALWAYS have Him by your side. That is the most important. Also remember that there is always someone out there that supports you. Maybe it's a young child or an old lady. Maybe it's your best friend or even your enemy. Someone out there does care.
I love you, my sister. You are my best friend. Do not worry. All will be well. If it's not well then it is not the end. :)
Talk to me soon.