WhatisthisIdon'teven-

I've been noticing something over the past couple of weeks. Ever since I made the decision to stop being passionate about anything, I have, in fact, stopped being passionate about anything.

Crazy, right?

I feel like Clara Barton. I did a report on her back in the 5th grade and I still remember one specific point I made about her character and personality. She lived to please people. Her parents wanted her to be a school teacher; being too shy to speak up, she did. She was good at it too. Then she got into nursing and that was her career passion.

I feel like I'm not really supposed to be an English teacher. Some days I can picture it and other days I realize just how much I abuse the language, trip over my words, misinterpret books, never read between the lines, mess up every sentence I want to communicate, and how incredibly and annoyingly introverted I am. I'm too afraid to do anything ever.

UGH.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in my element when I'm up in that booth, typing out lyrics, and switching system checks. But then I realize just how incredibly little I know and how utterly futile it is to attempt to advance up the ranks. I don't belong in a higher rank. I have no ear for music, thus cannot sound check. Ever. Unless that's something you can learn, which I doubt. I'm disparagingly shakey and thus cannot hold a camera. My lack of intelligence and knack frustrates me.

I hate that I know nothing. It's so weird coming from a school where I had a reputation as the smart kid, the jerk, kind of the top dog (thanks to ASB). Here I'm in a whole other gene pool of talent and leadership and I realize that I wasn't even a leader or talented to begin with! I was with a bunch of other people who depicted me that way.

Everyone here can sing, play an instrument, draw or paint, is a leader of something, or is otherwise known. I've got nothing tangible or obvious. Maybe there's something buried way down in there, I don't know. I'm a frickin' junior and I have no time to impact anybody; I can't even impact myself! Maybe if I were a freshman I could work up the ranks, but now I'm barely legal, two years ahead of myself, and about to start a career.

This is crazy.

And another thing (see how much I ramble!? I had a whole different point for starting this blog entry) I am starting to remember how stupidly pointless stuff is. Like dating. Sorry, but it's stupid. You don't have time for that! You're in frickin' college! STOP THE FRICKIN FLIRTING YOU IMBECILES! You have papers to write and tests to study for. You have a career you're training in. Thank GOD I've chosen Paul's lifetime committment. Way simplier that way and a lot less drama.

Not that THAT matters because I can't do ANYTHING for Your frickin' kingdom! Come ON! You shot down Haiti! What else am I supposed to do?! Donate some stuff to a homeless shelter. Yeah, how fulfilling that is. Maybe for a day or two until it's over. Then I'm just as hopelessly vacant as ever. UGH I'm really frustrated with You. Again. (We fight a lot don't we? Ugh, whatever, I need it as motivation for supporting my faith.)

Thank You it's Friday. Almost.

I can't think about anything else to rant about so...here.

OH no wait. WHY DO I KEEP THINKING ABOUT DAN AND SICI?! I'm done with Sici; I know You're not throwing me back in there no matter how much I think about how unsaved she is. I did what I could and I screwed up royally. Everytime I see Dan I think of Sici and THAT'S starting to really piss me off. My perspective of him is colored, I know. Because I keep thinking of every promise I broke to Sici. And I can't get him through a new filter.

I'm going to sleep. Wake me when I stop feeling angry.