This semester has honestly swamped me. I feel like I'm drowning, only able to come up for air every couple of topics. Sometimes I get epiphanies that lead me confidently into the next topic. Then I struggle again as the waves crash over my head, and I'm left spinning beneath the surface.
Everytime I teach something, I feel utterly useless. I feel like this is a huge mistake. Then again, maybe I am overreacting. But everyone else seems so good at this, like they've just jumped in, yet it appears they've been teaching all their lives. I feel like I have no structure, like I have no idea who I am as a teacher, my style, my abilities. I feel like I'm talking to walls. If the walls happen to speak back, I can't answer them because of my extreme inexperience.
But it's too late. I'm locked into this major, and there's no way I'm starting over. I guess I'll keep fighting, keep trying. Maybe someone, somewhere, can use a small group tutor instead of a large classroom teacher. Maybe Haiti doesn't give a rip if I'm an English teacher; I'll still be stuck on the outside looking in.
I think I'm going to stop caring about the future so much. I feel like that's all college is - future career, future jobs, future graduation, future wife/husband and kids - futurefuturefutureFUTURE. I can't take it anymore. I swear if I hear Jeremiah 29:11 one more time...
Live for today. Breathe. Take everything one step at a time.
Akai? Darling? You are an AMAZING teacher. Trust me. I know this. You are good at getting your points across and making sure the people understand what you are talking about. So what if you're not that great right now? Your skills will develop. Practice makes perfect. I see it in you. I know it's there. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd the Lord has you in His hands, so don't give up darling.
Love ya.