Perspective

I choked over it today. She asked me if I was going on a mission's trip. Lindz mentioned she wasn't and my face darkened. I almost cried over it. My voice wavered and I was off guard to You (just like I was when You used my testimony at youth). Which means it's back...

This stupid passion is growing again. But You're perfecting it. I know that now.

She almost cried when I asked her what disappointed her most. She was selfless. She's been given so much, she said, that it hurts when she sees that her friends have so little. She wasn't disappointed that she wasn't fulfilling her potential. Because she knows already that it's not about her.

Wow. I want that. Maybe. I ask You for things than ask You to take them away. I asked for transparency today, and it was well. I almost told Lindz. But not yet. She will know about me, my past, my sin, my chains -now broken- that will always be a part of my story. She may run.
But I think she'll be supportive.

I am finding friendship again.

I think she is tortured. I remember sobbing over her when our floor met for Spiritual Emphasis Week. I remember screaming into my fist, trying to draw blood just to prove that she did not have to endure pain alone. From that moment, I knew I'd be there.

But of this she is unaware. Because I cannot share this depth unless I share my own.

I must stop recoiling at his face and his name. I must stop shoving him away because I think of her. He is not her. She is not him. He probably doesn't even remember. In fact, this hatred is selfish. I am bruised because I did not protect her, because I stabbed her in the back. Because I am not strong. I am selfish.

What can I do to release her? Perhaps she is released, but she too will forever be a part of my story.