Starting to Lose Confidence Already

"Mediocrity is never going to work for you. It's funny you try, really; it really is. When you go a way different from everyone else, He will bring people to meet you there. I know you're lonely. Being a leader is lonely, and you're not even in a position of leadership; you're just trying to live your college life. People are always going to criticize you, to question you."

You probably don't remember, but you've said something like this to me before. I don't remember when or where or why, but I remember trying to draw something based on it. "You will never be the one to fit in," you said. "You'll be the one to create the molds."

Which is funny because as much as I've loved being unique and different, and as much as I've come to terms with being a loner, I've hated the fact that my life's purpose was merely being a teacher. Don't get me wrong, teachers are vastly important; without them I'd have no thirst for knowledge.

But I don't want to be just another teacher leading another boring, orthodox, predictable life.

So you're saying I am going to do something beyond belief, something crazy, and exciting, and probably life threatening? I'm ok with that, been ok with it ever since realizing my name - my name is my future - the lamb, the sacrifice on the altar. I'm ok with that (I think; I suppose I won't know until it happens) since it means I'll never be restless and I'll always spread life from my own core.

But what the crap am I supposed to be doing? I wish I had some idea how to prepare for it. I feel like I'll be knocked off balance because I'm inadequate. But I guess I'll always be inadequate next to You, eh? Whatever, but You know the deal. I don't want to have a family. Too much work, especially if You're planning on throwing me into the furnace. Why bring kids and a husband into it too? I can handle it with You; I'm a loner remember?

Well, if You'd give me a means to fight, a smaller scale battle to start with, I'd do it. I think. I'm awfully confident in my abilities to fight, but I'm just as worried about my ability to flake out.

Hope I don't suck at this.